Unspoken Emotion
by Hayla
Summary: (songfic) Secret feelings lead to one pivotal moment in Quatre's life.


Disclaimer: You know, no matter how hard I wish upon those stars, I still don't have any right to those Gundam Boys. Oh well, there is always tomorrow. "^-~" Lyrics are from **Sarah McLachlan**'s song **_I Love You _**from her album **_Surfacing_**.

FYI: This story is shounen ai. Meaning, of course, boys' love. (i.e. male/male relationships) I don't feel it necessary to put any kind of abstract warning up because, frankly, I don't think that there is anything that you have to be "warned" about. Please read on!

Note: This idea has seriously been swimming around my head for more than a year now. After a couple of days, and a few computer freeze ups later, I have finally finished it! The reason why the fic is not entitled _I Love You _is simply because I did not feel that it fit properly. Hope you enjoy and please leave a review when you are finished!

(Hey Raindream... hope this satisfies your appetite until my "novel" is finally finished. Thanks for all your help! 8 more babe...) 

****

Unspoken Emotion

by: Hayla

~

It was the holiday season. Every where I looked the roads were paved with bright reds and greens. Colorful lights were strung almost at random on various posts and buildings, their bulbs blinking in rhythm with the hustle and bustle of the surrounding city. People passed me by, some carrying huge bags overflowing with toys and presents, others just walking quickly from one destination to the next. Most were happy, their smiling faces shone even brighter than the lights that surrounded us. I wanted to feel their happiness right then -- wanted to share in their joy for the season, but I couldn't. Not yet...

I walked numbly down the sidewalk that was cracked with age and the wear of heavy pedestrian traffic. The wind picked up suddenly, causing many shoppers to draw their coats tighter around their bodies, or to quickly rub their hands together. The wind brought with it the faint echoes of carols sung by some unknown choir a few blocks down. I exhaled into the air, watching my breath form a thin haze in front of me before rising up into oblivion, adding to the already moisture filled clouds.

It would snow soon.

I pushed my hands deeper into the pockets of my thin coat, cursing myself softly for not grabbing a thicker one on the way out. I bent my head deeper into the upturned collar, trying to keep the cold air from stinging my face. My eyes stared out through my platinum blond tresses, carefully observing all those around me, wondering if they were going home to families or loved ones -- wondering what precious treasures they would be bringing with them as they juggled oddly shaped boxes covered in fine wrappings and ribbons.

I clutched the small piece of paper in my pocket, my ungloved fingers tracing the corners of the perfectly folded flyer. I could almost feel the words written on its brightly glossed surface, jumping from the flat leaflet with excitement from the news that it announced.

_He was coming._ They were the only words I could think to say as I read the announcement for the holiday circus and carnival that was going to be held. _He was coming here._

A few feet ahead of me a little girl danced happily around her mother, who was performing an act of her own as she tried to balance her awkward bags in one hand while buttoning up her long coat with the other. The girl fell suddenly, tripping over her tiny feet and landing hard on her knees.

I jumped forward, bending down to help the fallen little angel. I steadied her with one hand as she rose to brush off her pants. 

"Are you all right?" I asked kindly, afraid that she might start crying.

Instead, she looked up to me, her eyes smiling like a shimmering cerulean pool. Her cherubic face was half hidden in a ring of pink fur that lined her oversized jacket. She giggled and motioned for me to come closer. I bent my head down to her rosy lips to hear what secrets she had to tell.

"Merry Christmas," she whispered, shoving a small object into my hand before skipping off, returning to her mother's side.

I stood up, staring into my palm where I clutched a thin candy cane, its white surface striped evenly with varying bright red lines. I couldn't remember the last time I had enjoyed a candy cane and I placed it in my pocket, next to my other treasure, saving it for a later time.

__

I paused at the corner, waiting with others for there to be a break in the passing traffic or for the lights to change and allow safe passage. It was then that I felt a cold wetness, light upon my head. I gazed up, watching the sky fill suddenly with white. Around me people began to move and continue about their tasks, but I continued to stare. It was so very beautiful. The white lace danced in the sky, the intricate ballet only being interrupted by the change in music of the wind. 

A sudden jostle by an unaware businessman drew my attention back to the earth, away from the white heavens that beckoned from above. I began to walk, setting my sights across the street -- then stopped suddenly, not believing what my eyes had set before me. 

"Trowa..."

**__**

I have a smile

Stretched from ear to ear

To see you walking down the road

I felt sudden warmth spread through my body, canceling out the numbness that had previously been its occupant. I felt as light as the snow that fell around me... typical, I know... but I wouldn't be able to describe it any other way.

After our battles had finished... when the war was finally over once and for all, we had all gone our separate ways. There really was no purpose in staying together. We all had lives before we were thrown together in the desperate battle for peace and understanding, it was only natural to once again continue on a separate route.

If there was one thing that I would have changed about the way our lives went, it would have been this: _I would not have let him leave me_. There was so much to say...

His sight finally caught hold of mine and he half smiled, adverting his direction to cross the street where I was now frozen in anticipation.

**__**

We meet at the light

I stare up for awhile

The world around us disappears

He stood before me now, and I found that I had no voice. The breath that I exhaled was the only motion that we shared. Slowly, reality slipped away as the white blanket swirled around us, ever consuming in a white haven meant only for two.

I wondered how the cold did not seem to touch him, for he only wore a gray sweater that seemed to provide little protection from the outside elements. He had barely changed, his brown hair, lightly dusted with white moisture, hung stoically over one side of his face, leaving only one soulful eye to stare out at me questioningly.

In that moment, there was nothing else but him. I had been waiting for so long to see his face again, to confront him once and for all, and to let go... let go of everything that I had been so dutifully carrying around inside of me since day one.

**__**

Just you and me

On this island of hope

A breath between us could be miles

I had not been that close to him in years. I only had to reach out and touch, but found that the thought of shattering the perfect illusion was too great to overcome. I felt the warmth around me again, embracing its welcoming touch as I realized that now _was_ the time that I had prayed for all those lonely days and nights. I could finally let go if my body would only allow it.

"Quatre?" he breathed quietly, curiosity in tone from my silence and study. He eyed me cautiously. I knew that I probably looked the same to him. In all this time, very little had changed in my appearance. But, my soul had lost a small spark, and every day I searched for the light to reignite it. But I had found the spark -- it was standing in front of me at this very moment.

I forced my attention back to form words. "How are you?" I blurted out lamely, knowing that if I said anything more I would probably make a bumbling fool of myself.

"Well," he answered. A sigh escaped his lips as I saw a sadness take hold of his features, as if I had suddenly reminded him of a great void that was present in his life -- perhaps the same hole that had been awakened in my own. "And you?"

**__**

Let me surround you

My sea to your shore

Let me be the calm you seek

Unable to stand there anymore, I rushed forth, closing the precious few feet distance between us, wrapping my arms around his thin neck and holding him close. I felt his arm encircle my frame, returning the embrace with equal tenderness. I buried my head against his shoulder, inhaling the warmth and scent that was Trowa.

"I missed you," I said softly, choking on the tears that I desperately tried to hold back. I felt my throat constrict, finding it bitterly unbearable to say anything more. I felt his breath run warmly over my chilled neck and he chuckled softly in my ear. He drew away, and I mumbled a slight protest to have the warmth removed so suddenly.

He stood merely an arm's length away. "You look well."

I nodded eagerly, still in a desperate search to find my breath and voice again. There was so much that I wanted to tell him, to let him know that all the troubles and tribulations of the past, all the strife and anger that had once filled him -- filled us both -- could be calmed once and for all. I wanted to let him know exactly how I felt at the moment -- how I felt every time I thought of him, and how my heart was broken to absolute pieces when we went our separate ways. 

**__**

Oh, and every time I'm close to you

There's too much I can't say

And you just walk away

I saw his eyes blink distantly away from me, slipping into who knew what kind of memory. I felt him moving away from me, and there was nothing that I could do to stop him. The icy knot returned in the pit of my stomach... lying there, taunting me for my cowardness.

"It was good seeing you again, Quatre," he said as he turned away from me. The coldness returned too. I suddenly became aware of the biting wind stinging my eyes as tears began to fill them. He wasn't meaning to be cold and distant, but I had not encouraged him to be otherwise. I couldn't tell him. I was faced with the perfect opportunity, to right the wrongs of the past, and fill my future with a bright hope that I had so desperately wanted -- which I so desperately needed...

**__**

And I forgot 

To tell you, I love you

And the night's too long

And cold here without you

I wrapped my arms around my shaking form, fighting down the idiotic block of ice that had settled in my body, not allowing me to think or even move. I couldn't imagine going back home alone, to be greeted by the constant emptiness that surrounded me at night and kept me down despite the smile I showed to the rest of the world.

Part of my soul was walking away from me. I knew it... I could feel it.

"Trowa," I called out, my voice wavering. He paused in his trek, head turning in question.

**__**

I grieve in my condition

For I cannot find the words to say 

I need you so...

I reached into my pocket to pull out the small piece of wrapped candy. I took a few steps forward, holding the gift in my extended hand.

"Merry Christmas," I whispered, much in the same fashion the little girl had spoken only a few moments ago.

I felt his fingers, warm and light, against my skin as he took the candy cane from my hand. He smiled tenderly, squeezing my shoulder with a gentle touch. I found myself lost again. Stuck in that perfect moment that I wanted to last forever.

**__**

Oh, and every time I'm close to you

There's too much I can't say

And you just walk away

I watched him leave me again, his thin frame a beacon among the crowds that thronged about the street. I watched him cross the street a block away, then turn away from my sight for good. I watched as all my hopes were dashed in one second, when all I would have had to do was talk -- an action that I had not really found too much of a burden in the past.

I turned on my heels, heading back in direction from which I had come, my hands returning to hide from the cold in the folds of my pockets, one hand distraughtly clutching the flyer that had once given me so much hope. My mind swirled with thoughts on how our meeting could have been different, how I could have stopped my fear and stupid worries. There were things that I could have told him that would have made him stay. I could have told him what it meant for me to see him again, even if it was a chance meeting. But there were things that I did not say, because the words were not there to be remembered.

**__**

And I forgot 

To tell you, I love you

And the night's too long

And cold here without you

I reached blindly for the door, opening it quickly and stepping inside the cold house that I had only recently come to call home. The gray sky and lack of lighting inside caused the rooms to appear dark and distant. I didn't bother trying to turn on the light, instead I stumbled blindly to the stairs, pulling off my coat and letting it fall, instantly forgotten, to the floor.

**__**

I grieve in my condition

I made my way to the bedroom, falling through the doorway, then collapsing on the bed. My hands clutched the pillow, my face buried within the soft linen. I let the tears stream out, my coughs muffled to silence, knowing that it was my own fault that I was caught in such sweet torture.

The tears wet my throat and soaked the pillow. I was searching for answers that would not come to me in words. Instead they filled my heart.

**__**

For I cannot find the words to say 

I need you so...

Our battle wounds had healed, leaving only scars in their place. We had the chance now to live a full and happy life, away from any thoughts of bitter and senseless fighting from past. I knew what would make me happy, and what I couldn't live without anymore.

I reached for the phone that rested on the nightstand next to my bed, getting up suddenly, knowing there was still a small form of hope. I dialed a number quickly, waiting impatiently for the operator to pick up. I could no longer deny the fates that had woven our lives so intricately together. This time, things would be different. I would make them so...

"Hello," I asked resolutely. The motion was already put in place, and I wasn't about to back down from it again. "Yes, I would like a number..."

****

~end

Please leave a review... even if it is only a word or two. I would really appreciate it! "^-^"


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